Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse – A J.A. Care’s #5 Special Event Part 1

Even though 2012 is still a bit of a ways away people are already bombarding my office here at the ObscureInternet world headquarters about what they should do to try to survive the coming apocalypse. In my effort to help humanity the best way that I can I have decided to help some of you people out there with your end of the world scenarios.

This letter comes from Bob McCracken from Soon to be under a bridge, New York. Bob writes:

You know I was ready for Y2K and it did not come and honestly I was a bit disappointed. Now I realize why the world didn’t end that day, the Mayans saw it all. 2012 is the end man and I think I know how it’s going to happen. I’ve been watching Resident Evil and I believe in 2012 they will come out with a pill that makes you sexy or something, except, it will turn you into a zombie.

What I need to know is how I can survive the zombie apocalypse? I’ve read all the books, but I want your take on it. I mean I expect them to be those fast running hyper zombies, but maybe with your help I will make it. Got any advice?

Bob normally I would just berate you for a few paragraphs and go off topic. However, since this is an important issue to myself and Obscure-Internet (You know our offices are in the same city that was overrun in 28 Weeks Later) I have my own opinions and will share them with you. Will this help you survive? I doubt it, but hey it’s worth a shot right?

The Opening Shot

Everyone knows all zombie apocalypses start early in the morning, on Saturday, while most of your quiet suburban neighborhood is sleeping. The key is to always sleep in a brick or concrete basement with a metal door as the only exit. Now this may suck if you do this on say December 31, 2011 and the apocalypse doesn’t happen for months, but I figure it’s worth it if it helps you stay alive a little bit longer.

Now that I think about it, you need to have one reinforced glass window at ground level so you can look out of it and laugh as your neighbors run and scream and are eaten by friends and families. The key here is to wait until it gets quite because that’s your prime time to head to the best destination to hold out during the zombie apocalypse.

Product Placement

Forget the mall my friend Costco is the place to go! Now, for people who don’t know what Costco is, it is a warehouse super store. In the US we also have BJ’s and Sam’s club that would do just fine. If you don’t have a place like this where you live then you are out of luck. Hey, we all can’t make it.

Costco rocks because every entrance has a reinforced steel door that you can close and it would take a semi truck to break it down. Once inside you have plenty of room and plenty of food and items to sustain you indefinitely. The key here is to clear it out of anyone you don’t want in there including other humans that you know will become trouble.

It’s not murder if they’re stupid

Sure the zombies are the guys with the main kill count, but something just as deadly are stupid humans. If you make it to Costco it’s pretty much a given people will be there and others will show up. The key here is screening. You couldn’t weed out the horrible character types at birth, now is your chance. Here’s what to look for.

Too Cute for her own Good:

The beautiful people have a hidden rocket ship that will take them to an Eden-type planet when the world comes to an end. Even with this there are always some left behind. The good news is during the Zombie Apocalypse these sexy women turn into sluts. The bad news is they are still stupid. You need to follow these steps with this character type.

1. Comfort them – Tell them everything will be fine
2. Befriend them – Everyone needs a friend and you will be there for them
3. Get them drunk – Costco has a wide assortment of alcohol to get her ready for action
4. Let nature take its course – In other words hit it before she comes to her senses
5. Keep an eye on her – You might want to do her again, but…
6. Take one for the team – Not you, her. If she starts acting stupid it’s time to drop her

Is it cruel, yes? Is it necessary, definitely? As certain as the black guy will die before you’re rescued, the hot chick you just had apocalypse sex with will turn stupid and get you killed. It is inevitable and you have to be ready. If she starts talking about wanting to go outside and see if it’s safe then you will need to handle your business. This is a matter of survival after all.

The Stephen King disease:

Have you seen the movie called The Mist? If you haven’t you should. It’s based on a Stephen King short story and was pretty damn good. I love Stephen King, but in his horror survival stories there usually pops up an undesirable character type which is known as the religious fundamentalist.

If God gives you Lemons you find a new God

This person may or may not have been religious before the event, but once the horror is upon them their brain shuts down and their mouth opens up. See, it is one thing to pray or have comfort in knowing that as the zombies chew on your flesh that you will soon be at the pearly gates. It is another thing to run around screaming that this was God’s will and all prophesized and trying to turn your nice little group into some Heaven’s Gate type cult.

Sorry, but if the guy or gal banging on the Costco door is spouting bible verses just leave him out there. I mean maybe he can covert the zombies, or feed them. Either way your rag tag team of survivors will be safe. Now if you let one in and they were cool until you had a close call and start exhibiting the signs. Well, then it is time to get out the old six shooter.

Here are the signs to look for:

• Holding on too tightly to a religious artifact – I mean there are other better and more sexy things to hold onto.
• Prolonged silent prayer – If God hasn’t answered you by now he won’t be. Having someone with their head down chanting for too long is bad for moral and can lead to a freak out. You need to put the brakes on that crap.
• The Crazy eye’s stare – No he isn’t seeing Angels he’s flipping crazy and about the pop. Hit him over the head and drag him outside.
• Building a congregation – This isn’t a support group it is a lynch mob in the making. You see the crazy religious guy needs followers and his mental disease will spread throughout your group if you don’t stop it.

You know the saying; cut of the head and the body will die? Apply this to the religious fundamentalist character type and your group will be better off. There’s nothing wrong with believing in God as long as you believe in the Zombies pounding on your door three feet away as well. A keen eye will save you a lot of trouble and the need to mop his brain matter up from the floor.

I’m not done talking

In part two of this series we will finish up the character types and move on to rationing food and weapons and then the dreaded move to a new location. So stay tuned and don’t get cheeky or I won’t let you in my Costco.

Popularity: 37% [?]