Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse #3

There is only so much of a budget for a movie and so one sure way to save on costs is to stuff everyone in a bunker or other tight space for about 80% of it. However, there comes the time that you either run out of supplies or your location is no longer secure. It’s time to pack up and move and be ready because this is where we use the special effects budget and this is also where most of you will die.

Now this isn’t a guide for a movie. This is for the real deal coming soon event. The thing is, the situations that happen in the movie will probably happen in real life as well. People are stupid. We all know this. What you need to know is stupidity is deadly. It can happen two ways. They get themselves and probably you killed. Or you kill them. The choice is yours.

You’ll have to check those bags

I seriously doubt that like in the movies there will be hundreds and thousands of zombies waiting outside your Costco. It is not as if there is a ninety-nine dollar wedding dress sale going on. Regardless, you need to be quick on your feet. Hyper Zombies or Night of the Living Dead style it doesn’t matter. If you are weighed down you are dead. By now you have most likely fed the sexy blond dumb bombshell to the zombie horde. If not be aware she will want to bring along the entire counter from the beauty section. Here’s a pro tip. Carrying unconscious zombie bait is liter than her six bags of crap.

We’re not taking separate cars

Sure the parking lot is full of cars you could never afford to drive because you dropped out of high school and worked at Taco Bell. This is not the time to test drive that two seater. Unless you are trying to weed out some more undesirables that convertible Miata is not going to work. You want everyone in the same reinforced SUV. There are a few reasons for this. First you need a distribution of your best and worst fighters. Your best will keep you alive and the worst will keep the zombies busy for a few moments. Gas mileage may suck on that H3, but you need the power to run down the, oh so cute zombie children. Speaking of which…

I swear, I will turn this car around

Actually, no, you won’t. At this point you have weeded out as many losers as possible. You packed into a secure vehicle and made your way out. All of a sudden one of your dependable team members goes crazy. He forgot his dead wives wedding ring in the bathroom back at Costco.  You have tried to reason with him, but he is lost to you. It is like someone wrote a really bad script for him, but he is desperate for any role and will read it. This is where you strip him of any useful equipment and say goodbye. You never go back for him and if he shows up later he is a zombie. So kill him. Yes, I know he looks fine, but shoot him anyway.

I’m completely disease free, honest

Your caravan was attacked and in the may lay of blood and guts you barely make it out alive. As you speed away you turn to look at your motley band of survivors. Something isn’t right. Remember when you were in high school and that really skinny chick offered you a quickly behind the bleachers for five dollars? She claimed she needed bus fair, but then walked home. She said those marks on her arm were mosquito bites. She said she was STD free. She lied. You burned for her lie and could do nothing but cry about it.

Under normal circumstances you can’t push the girl who promised you she was on triple birth control down the stairs. These aren’t normal circumstances. Somebody got bit and soon they will want dinner, a fleshly dinner that will come from you or your team. Find the weasel in your group (there is always one) and beat him down for a confession. Then once you find the infected member just shoot them ice cold style like that chick did to that dude in 28 Days Later. Political correctness died when the dead rose. We are in a zero tolerance zone now.

Ok, so who brought directions?

Are you going to another Costco? No. You have spent enough time wallowing in the fact that you are in the end of days. Now, it is go time. The idea is to arm up and much better than the sport equipment and small arms you found at Costco. It’s time to gear up and a military base or gun store is the best place to go.

Sex only releases so much tension. The other load you blow needs to come from the barrel of a gun. I mean you can’t spend the whole time killing humans can you? You need to either carve a path to a new safer location or lock down a perimeter Dawn of the Dead style. This will make or break you. If you succeed you can live on. If you fail you will unlive on? See, I made a new word there.

Next time on…

You story needs more action sequences. Now is that time. Next we will cover gathering and using weapons and the delicate art of setting zombies on fire. Safety’s off kids, its go time!

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