Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse #2

So you’ve survived the swine flu Lord Obama has tested his loyal subjects with. This is a good thing and you may be worthy, but you are not yet ready. The Zombie Apocalypse is still upon us and you must be prepared, so, let’s continue.

The Minority Report

A white man, woman and a black man walk into a haunted house, what happens? The black man dies. Sadly, being black myself I know regardless of my extensive knowledge on surviving the Zombie Apocalypse I will still die soon after the initial attack. It is not racist to survive and if you have specific minorities in your group is especially important to just be careful.

It’s getting dark in here

If we have learned anything from zombie movies it is that African-American characters start out strong and end up dying horribly. The key here is to make sure you are not taken down with them. Most likely the strong ex-cop who joined your group will save your ass a few times. However, once you are on the move or near safety it’s time to send him on a suicide mission. Think of it this way, when he dies his death with mean something which will make him happy. Yeah, just go with that.

No speakie English

Sadly with the outbreak of the Swine Flu in Mexico La Rasa hate has spiked to apocalyptic levels. In zombie movies and books the kind hardworking Hispanic man can never speak English to well. The good news is he is great at building things A-Team style. The bad news is he brought along his infected wife who he loves so much. Unfortunately, love does not cure the zombie disease. That is what your shotgun is for. Use it on her and then on him. You’ll have to do the heavy lifting yourself.

Your Kung-Fu is weak

Remember that grocery story bagger named Charles Wang? He survived and now wants into your Costco survival group. Charles is Asian. I am sure he is Japanese or Chinese or Taiwanese or some form of “ese”. You know him as that Asian guy and in the apocalypse that’s as politically correct as you’re going to get.

Charles is good with electronics and for some reason knows Kung-fu even though he use to be beaten badly in the alley behind the store all the time. Luckily he doesn’t speak much and eats very little. Unfortunately, he will pass up the AK47 on the ground and instead engage the Zombie horde hand to hand. He will consider it an honorable death. You will consider it stupid, useless and senseless. The zombies will consider it a snack.

The Hidden Fail-Boat

So you are weeding out the fodder and getting down to your core group of hopeful survivors. The problem is unlike me, you are not a heartless bastard. You want to save the women and especially the children. Even God can’t save everyone which is why he created Hell. The same Hell those zombies are coming from. Do you see where I am going with this? Either way, you are still full of some undercover character flaws that will hinder your pursuit to safety.

Kids like puppies should be drowned

Timmy is ten years old. Timmy has a stuffy nose. Timmy has a puppy. Timmy’s mom is a horrible parent. Timmy is scared. Timmy runs free. Timmy almost gets you killed. You want to kill Timmy. Timmy’s mom is hot. Timmy’s mom takes your mind off Timmy. Timmy’s dog is missing. Timmy goes looking for said dog. Timmy lets the zombies in. Timmy somehow escapes leading the zombies to you. Timmy cries for his mommy. You kill Timmy’s mom and Timmy. The zombies kill you.

Moral of the story: Timmy sucks ass.

The Old and the Reckless

You know old people feel that because they are old they have the right to do anything they want. They drive big cars and back up without looking and smash your toes with their canes. Ever play Dead Rising? It is a pretty good game about a zombie breakout. In the beginning you are secure in a mall and the zombies are trying to get in. The old ladies dog is trapped outside and she just has to save pookums. Long story short she lets them all in and you lose a ton of people. The good news was she dies too.

Now here is the problem. Sometimes the old guy is really cool and knows a bunch of survival stuff from the war. He might even make it to the end or at least sacrifice himself for the good of the team. It is very important to look at old people on a case by case basis. They know they are going to die soon and that can either bode well for you or turn into a tragedy. This is why you are at the helm captain. Work it out.

No confidence, no survival

Confidence is key and not only in getting laid. This character flaw can hit anyone even you and you must be ready for it. Perhaps you have been held up in Costco for weeks and you still see no end in sight. It is one thing to be depressed, but you as the leader can man up when need be. Someone else on your team might not be able to.

A mild freak-out or cry session is fine. We can’t call be stone faced. However, if the doubt in success and survival continues too long it may be time to give him what he wants. I mean if he expects to die anyway might as well make it sooner than later so he doesn’t bring anyone else in your band of merry men down. Sometimes you need to cut off an infected limb. It’s for the good of the body.

You must like reading this so…

It’s not my fault that most of the time humans cause more deaths in survival situations than whatever they are trying to survive. There was a lot to cover on bad character types but the good news is we are all (pretty much) done. Next time we will discuss moving from location to location and sending out scouting parties and the proper use of firearms and impromptu devices.

P.S. If you sneeze or cough on me I will shoot you in the face!

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