Phone Sex Failures

Ladies and gentlemen, mainly gentlemen, as anyone of us who has tried this knows, internet dating can be as dangerous as walking through an insane asylum on razorblade day. The sea of emotionally unstable ticking time-bombs is extremely hard to maneuver through. If you are lucky enough to stagger your way past the transvestites, baby mommas and perverted justice with your own sanity intact, then you are truly a seasoned internet adventurer.

So after an exhausting search you have finally found a kindred spirit, someone who hasn’t been arrested for fraud or was born a man. You have things in common. She is the same type of crazy you are, from text to verbal its full steam ahead, but there is one small problem.

You moved to California for fun in the sun, she likes the frosty New York winters. Commitment ranks right up with the words men hate to say the most along with Alimony. A long-distance relationship is as poisonous as a Heaven’s Gate party cocktail. On the other hand, unlike a citizenship seeking mail-order bride, you do not want to play let’s move in together so quickly.

You need a stalling mechanism, telling her about how great Hollywood is gets her willing to visit you for a weekend. It’s not quite Debby Does Dallas, but you can check out the goods before signing any papers. Contentment settles in. The feelings are there, at least sexually and if nothing else you can put a push-pin in New York for your fifty states, fifty lays tour.

The getting to know you phase is complete and all you can talk about is what will happen when she arrives. She lays down the sexy talk without the nine ninety-nine a minute fee. Imagination takes over, you can see exactly what you want to do to her, and then she pops the question.

“Wanna have phone sex?”

This shouldn’t be a problem; this is a good thing; right? Well, it can be, if you do it right. The question is; can you take the night you already had in that deviant mind of yours and translate it into a language she will understand and like? We shall see, but for now let’s look over some mistakes or failures when it comes to phone sex.

Don’t initiate
Ever wonder why you don’t see any straight male phone sex lines? It is because the idea of calling a man specifically for phone sex is repulsive to most women. Now granted, when a man calls a phone sex line he is initiating, but then again he is also paying out of his ass for it. When you are talking to someone you hope to have sex with its best to let her tell you that she wants to have phone sex, otherwise you will end up looking as desperate as you are. Once she is in your house, then by all means initiate, just remember to ask her and hear her say yes first.

Long pauses are bad, okay
If you are a radio talk host or a phone customer service rep you know silence is the farthest from being golden. This applies to phone sex as well. While it is true that you most likely turned to the internet because you could not get laid in the real world it does not mean that when she says something that has you standing at more attention than flag day in military school you pause to savor the moment. See, like when you were spying on your sexy undressing neighbor from your bedroom window, she can’t see your perverted expressions. If she was in the same room she could just close her eyes and ignore you, but over the phone your silence makes her think something is wrong, or worse, that you got disconnected

Stay focused son!
If you are going to have phone sex, for heaven’s sake please make sure you are alone in a private place without distractions. Remember trying to have sex in your bedroom at your parent’s house after prom because you were too cheap to rent a hotel? How did she take it when Uncle Leo broke into your room with a baseball bat after hearing your pitiful sex moans and mistaking it for you getting your ass kicked by a burglar? Trust me, guys, the same thing will happen if you roommate comes barging in with the bong or your dog starts barking. Lock your place down and secure it before going in or that will be your last conversation.

The wrong things to say – Part 1
She’s good, really good. Her descriptions and word play has you seeing visions of your pending ravenous romp between the sheets. Your body is in to it, especially little Pete, but there is something wrong with part of your mind. She pauses because she can do that, it’s time to say something to let her know she’s got you and what comes out of your mouth, a belch, coughing, laughter, silence or the most fatal, a subject change. Nothing kills the mood and by proxy kills your future chances quicker than her talking all romantic and your reply is, “My room sure smells funny even since I moved the clothes hamper in here.” Survey says: failure!

The wrong things to say – Part 2
You’ve navigated the waters and stayed on course so far. Everything has lined up and she has finish giving you a verbal hand-job. Now it is your turn. Confidence can lead to failure just as easily as it can to success. I understand you have seen over ten-thousand porno’s and read every issue of Playboy, but that does not make you a phone sex Rico Suave. Keep in mind what came out of her mouth will not necessarily sound good coming out of yours and don’t even think about copying things your friends have told you they said. The truth is your friends suck, too.

Final thoughts
I would give some more advice here, but honestly if I did that I risk the chance of hearing less stories about the things some of you guys have said to a girl during phone sex. Comedy is my business, you understand, right?  I can’t even tell you to be yourself because obviously being yourself hasn’t gotten you very far.
However, I will leave you with this. Learn as much about the girl as you can and take notes. Your biggest clue will be what she says to you when talking sexy. Again, you can’t just regurgitate her words, but they can guide you in the right direction. If nothing else keep it short and sweet. Look at it this way, when you have sex for real it will most likely be short anyway. Just don’t screw it up… or go ahead and screw it up. This gives me ammunition to write more articles.

About J.A. Laraque