I think there is a severe shortage of baked beans. I can’t find any anywhere. I’ve tried all of the supermarkets on our road and they all seem to have run out. I asked if they had any “out back” - they didn’t or haven’t. They’re not sure when they are getting any in again either.

What has happened? This is worrying.

I carried out a search on the internet and one of the only things I could find was this article on hansom cabs This is odd as there are usually more pages than that when I press the buttons on my telly. There is a small cherry tree in my pie and I can’t find the frog, it’s run under the mangle…

I need the beans. I need the beans. As an honest consumer I need the beans and their tomatoey goodness…

The shortage may perhaps be to do with the lack of label ink. On products, tins and packets we now have helpful things such as GI index, vitamins, B14 plus retro, iron content, red/green/yellow ploprut, saturated fat, unsaturated fat, fat, flat, hatchback, hunchback and chlorine context/indices.

All I need to know is are they posh beans, cheap beans, or shitty beans? Just tell me! Tsk!

Did you know that these labels actually increase the weight of the bean tin, therefore making them heavier. Thus in bulk they are hence-on-forth more expensive to transport and less likely to survive in the wild.

So come on beanmakers, sort out the labelling. I need my beans and I need them now!