J.A. Cares Issue #4

With the re-launch of the Obscure Internet website and the fact that management told me I would not be getting a raise this year. I with all my heart and dedication to my craft present the adoring public with yet another J.A. Cares.

Tilley McNeal from Ainsworth, Nebraska writes:

I have come across your words after discovering THE INTERNETS and this thing called THE GOOGLE. Using THE GOOGLE I have found many disturbing things. I was prepared for the pornography and the hate speech, we get that in Ainsworth all the time, but what I was not prepared for was the children.

It was not just what comes out of the mouths of children, but what they subject themselves to and participate in. How long has this been going on? We have kids with pants hanging off them, tattoos on little girls and buying beer and cigarettes over THE INTERNETS?

Won’t somebody please think of the children!

I don’t know what exactly you want me to tell you Maude Flanders, but first let me inform you it is called the INTERNET, not, the INTERNETS, and it is GOOGLE, not, THE GOOGLE. This will help keep THE HACKERS from stealing YOUR MEGAHERTZ.

As a side note, it is GIGABYTE as in with a G not a J, it is not JIGABYTE people. Jay Z had nothing to do with this.  With that said on to the children.

Exploring what exactly?

Please take note of this photo. For anyone who doesn’t know is Dora the Explorer. She is a cute little girl who explores and helps people with her pet monkey, Boots and the reoccurring antagonist, Swiper the Fox.  It was all in good fun which meant most people did not care about it.

As with most things there has to be a revamp and with that comes Dora 2 Electric Boogaloo. Now personally I don’t see a big deal, but she is being upped to age sixteen and moving to the city.

People are calling her Dora the Whorer now because they believe giving her a sexier look and moving to the big city with a monkey is… well, maybe they are onto something. I wonder what she will be exploring in the city. Perhaps she can help lost hookers and Boots can become a pimp? I have to wonder what Swiper will be swiping now, purses, cars, virginities.

Honestly, I think people are just going overboard as they always do. However, I guess I can understand being a bit paranoid about their children considering how they can find so many ways to find inappropriate stimulation. This brings us to:

The Broom they didn’t want her to use:

Like crack Harry Potter and all things having to do with the franchise is very addictive to children and young teens. There are tons of merchandise to buy from ear wax candy to tons of books that makes this writer very jealous. There is one toy however that ended up keeping more kids in their room by themselves than World of Warcraft.

I present: The Nimbus 2000 – It is not bad enough that the name was stolen from The Jetsons, but this broom which is used in the books and the movies ended up causing a ton of controversy with parents all around the globe.

Let me just give you the description of this toy for kids.

Kids can now “fly” a Nimbus 2000 broomstick just like the members of their favorite Quidditch team. A replica of the broom Harry uses in the movie Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, the Nimbus 2000 features a grooved stick and handle for easy riding. Enhancing the excitement are the vibrating effects and magical swooping and whooshing sounds the broom makes when on. Sounds can also be activated when the switch is set in standby mode. Requires three AA batteries

Now before we continue let’s look at some of the reviews on the product:

My 12 year old daughter is a big Harry Potter fan, and loved the part with the Nimbus 2000, so I decided to buy her this toy. I was afraid she would think it was too babyish, but she LOVES this toy. Even my daughter’s friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick! A great buy for any Harry Potter fan!

So what we have here is a broom that girls seem to like more than boys, even older girls like it. Now why do you think that was? Could it possibly be the VIBRATING ACTION? It did not take long for one parent to catch on:

This toy was #1 on my daughter’s Christmas list. So what the heck, although it has no educational value I figured it would be good for imaginative play. It wasn’t until after she opened her gift and started playing with it that I realized that the toy may offer a more than sensational experience. The broomstick has cute sound effects and ***VIBRATES*** when they put it between their legs to fly. Come on—what were the creators of this toy thinking? She’ll keep playing with the Nimbus 2000, but with the batteries removed.

Taking out the batteries on the Nimbus 2000 is like allowing your boyfriend to bring another girl into the bedroom but he does not get to touch her. By I digress.

What does all this mean?

Remember in Jurassic Park when they said, nature will find a way? Well, kids will find a way to do whatever the hell they want to. I say just don’t have them, but then again I hate the world. I mean they created all kinds of excuses for horrible children from A.D.D. to A.D.H.D to authoritative disorder and restless leg syndrome.

When I was a kid it was called acting up and the cure was a smack to the back of the head, but now that’s abuse and so the terrorists have won. Kids shop at stores called Flirt and get tramp stamps at age thirteen and you wonder why the world is going to end in 2012?

I take a line from the movie Armageddon and will say, embrace the horror and if you can, avoid the most deadly STD in human history, K.I.D.S.

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