J.A. Cares Issue 9

I haven’t been to the movies in a long time mainly because my home theater kicks the crap out of most of the non-IMAX screens out there. The other reason is a lot of movies just suck ass and I rather not waste my money on them, but what happens when a movie is affecting your home life?

Raul Paulo writes:

J.A. please help me, I met this really cool chick a few months ago and everything was going fine. We had great conversations and the sex was fantastic, then a friend of hers showed her the Twilight movie and now she is completely insane for it. All she can do is talk about the books and the movies, she swoons over the male actors and it’s affecting my relationship. She is going to camp out for a week for that damn New Moon movie and hasn’t given me even a hand job in months! Please help me.

Wow, I truly feel sorry for you really, which is odd for me since I hate everyone. Personally I hate Twilight as well. Normally I could at least say that it gets kids to read like Harry Potter does, but really there are almost no redeeming qualities to Twilight, the books, movies or fan base.

First off Vampires don’t sparkle, how can you be angst, a bad-ass and sparkle all at the same time. I mean really, could you image having a Twilight vampire attack you at night, but you escape only to find them sitting on a rock bare-chested and sparkling? I would kill myself for ever being frightened of that. Raul, the first thing you should do is punch your girl in the face, not that I advocate violence, but hey, what’s more bad-ass than a punch in the face, oh right, sparkling.

Have you ever seen the Twilight convention photos? I haven’t seen that many portly women since the great Sara Lee baked goods give-a-way of 2006. It’s like a World of Warcraft convention with plus sized females. There is a sea of pale white high fructose corn syrup enhanced women and then the one ninety-eight pound male emo twat that they surround like hyenas circling a carcass.

You need to either sever or remove her eyeballs, but considering 52% of New Moon ticket holders claim they dream about vampires, that may not work. Now I understand how Going Rogue could sell, why America Idol is a rating giants and why I can’t find plus sized women to hit on.

This is a dangerous condition as bad as the Jonathan Taylor Thomas is going to marry me so I can’t play hide the tea cup with you epidemic of 1994. You see Raul; your precious little flower will have no problem dumping you because she thinks some vampire is going to fly in at night and ravager her.

If you don’t want to see your girlfriend walking on the beach next to a sparkly douchebag you need to nip this in the bud quick fast in a hurry. My advice, get them to start playing Farmville, at least your only competition will be a little black sheep.

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