J.A. Cares Issue #7.5

You found yourself deep in the throes of passion and in a moment of weakness uttered the words; let’s get married. Perhaps you really wanted to get married, but if you are a man then it is clear you didn’t know what you were getting into. Now you stand inside that tiny little room ready to walk the longest ten feet in your life. You made it to the end right? All you have to do is remember the look in her eyes, pass her the ring and kiss her on the lips. If it was that nice and easy I wouldn’t be writing about it.

To church or not to church

Why is it that someone who hasn’t stepped inside a church since their parents dragged them there so long ago want to get married in one? Have you forgotten that most God’s are all seeing? This means when you were “earning” you’re A in English lit, God was watching. When you tried that one thing your boyfriend asked you to try, God was watching. When you had revenge sex with the entire lineup of your high school football team, God was watching.

You know the skeletons in your closest and dollar to donuts so do most of your friends and family, so why the show? I know if I walk into a church my skin will begin to boil, so, I stay out. But your bride to be will want to dress up in white and parade down the aisle like she is pure as the driven snow. At least we guys normally wear black. We know this is our funeral and we dress appropriately.

You’re not on the list

You know why I don’t go into debt during the holidays? It is because of two reasons. One, I’m very cheap and two, I only give gifts to people I see at least once a month. I never understood while people would run around spending thousands of dollars on gifts for people they not only don’t see very much, but in some cases don’t even like. This applies to the wedding list.

We all know weddings are for the bride, they make all the decisions, as the groom you are just decoration. However, this does not mean it is okay for her to invite Becky Myers from high school who stole her boyfriend during her freshmen year. Becky was hot at age sixteen, but now she is thirty-six, with five kids, two divorces under her belt and a weight problem. She has suffered enough, leave her alone.

By that same token your Aunt Grace who gave you your first bike and then disappeared to the Congo does not need an invitation. This isn’t a reunion show, money is being spent here and the way things are today it’s most likely yours. Keep in small. How many times have you had fun at a family reunion? How about that Christmas when the whole extended family flew down to Florida that sucked didn’t it? Having a bunch of people you never communicate with at your wedding is the same thing. Unless you want to start a feud between two halves of your family in which case go ahead and let me come and film it.

Lost in transition

Personally I found it funny when I would leave a church or wedding center to drive a long distance to the reception hall only to discover half the party got lost. For me, it was a chance for second and third helpings. For the bride, it was yet another opportunity to scream and cry.

You know my philosophy, people are stupid. If you actually want the people who sat through your boring drawn out wedding to make it to the food and drinks then either pick a reception hall close to where you tied the knot or better yet have it in the same place.

On the other hand, you could do the great fake out. First, make sure everyone already gave you the wedding gifts. Second print cards with the address for a reception. The key here is the reception is not yours. Then you and your bride take the money you would have spent on a reception and head out of the country. What do you do when they find out you tricked them and have to come home to a mob of mad people? I don’t know, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

They laugh and applauded because they are drunk

You know why they sell food and drinks at many comedy clubs? It is because they want to make money and they know people are less likely to show up to see open mic night if they can’t get hammered first. The same applies to your reception.

The reception is the reward everyone gets for sitting through your horrible wedding. No matter how much work you put into your vows, they sucked. No matter how nice the church or venue was, it sucked. No matter how liberal and quick the ceremony was, it was too long and it sucked. To make up for this you need a nice spread. You wanted a big wedding so don’t skimp on the food and drinks.

Personally, I am fashionably late to weddings, but I am always right on time for an open bar. That reminds me, every wedding must have an open bar. I don’t care if you and your bride are the most vegan, pure, water drinking terrorists, you provide the drinks for the suckers who R.S.V.P’d.

The same goes for the food. Spend the money people. Nothing sucks worse than cardboard chicken and stringy beef. I have no idea how you can pay so much for such bad food, but I have tasted the worst. Sometimes I think it would be better to hold your reception at an all-you-can-eat buffet than a reception hall. Either way, taste test the food and make sure the drinks are free with no limit. Yes, you will go broke, but that is the price you pay for inviting all these moochers who could care less about you.

The best exit is a quick one

So you survived the wedding, the drive to the reception hall, the meet and greet and the food and drink. Now the worst part of the reception is about to take place, the dancing. I don’t care what color you are, but out of one hundred people at a reception only four can dance. The rest of you people are only there to embarrass yourselves.

This is also the time where the wedding predators hit up the brides maids. There are a ton of little things going on, but none of them concern you or your bride. You put in your time and did what you felt was necessary, now it’s time to leave and hopefully get laid.

You pick the way you want to do it, but I like what I call, The Vanish. This is where you quietly walk out the back with the assistance of your best friend who remained loyal to you. Just go, nobody can get upset at you. After all you have a honeymoon to go to, or, you have to get to work to help pay for Uncle Ted’s sixteen rum and cokes.

Think of the dancing as a big diversion. Like a riot in a prison, you duck your head down and make your escape and never look back. Now it is just you and your bride and the bill. Have a happy life.

Oh, by the way, she’s pregnant.

About J.A. Laraque