J.A. Cares Issue 10

My new year’s resolution was to work harder than ever, that was before my job gave me the boot. Lord Obama called me upset because me being unemployed hurt his job numbers. Obscure Internet called asking why if I was unemployed I was not submitting more. Well the tear bucket is full and this is my birthday month so let’s read some more e-mails.

Misty Pendleton from Galesburg Illinois writes:

I know my time is soon J.A., my job has been laying off people left and right and now that the holidays are over there will be blood, my blood. The strange thing is the people at my company are just so happy and upbeat. It is like they are on some drug and forgot to give me some. How can these people love their job so much? How can they be happy when the end is near? Am I crazy or is everyone else?

It is very possible you are crazy, but since the government recalled my shock treatment kit I cannot give you a qualified diagnosis. However, I can tell you about some people that can act like they love their job but it is all an act.

The Best Buy Carolers

You remember these guys right? They sing to people about what to buy from Best Buy. They look happy right? One reason is because they don’t have to sell those scam bait extended warranties on the street. Did you know they whip you if you don’t sell an extended warranty? Maybe my DVD does not need a five year scratch guarantee.

I have seen the fear in their eyes when I tell them no. They know a beating is coming and the one time of the year they get outside and taste freedom, well, they sing. But don’t fall for it, big brother is watching and if those smiles fade a sniper from across the street will take them out. Just look what they did to Circuit City.

A tale of two Wal-marts

We know War-mart is evil, but how evil are they. First of all, the old lady in the front of the store, she is not an old lady. She was Becky, a fifteen year old freshman from Valley High, but she mistakenly flipped the bird to one of those smiley faces they have all over the store. What Becky didn’t know what that those smiley faces transmit data to Satan in hell and then back up to the Wal-mart mother-ship in orbit. Becky punishment, she was turned into an old lady and placed in the front of the store to greet people, if she steps more than five feet away from the door her Wal-mart brand shock collar delivers a reminder of why she should not disobey her masters.

You know what else Flo’s?

Crap down a toilet. Flo the perky, not sexy enough to sleep with sober, but will do her if intoxicated and deny it till death the next day, is not a real human. See, Wal-mart has another company not many know about called People-mart. People-mart creates pod people that are sold as spokespeople to major companies. Flo is currently one of their top sellers.

Flo is perky and happy and loves Progressive Insurance because she was programmed to, but it is so over the top that her CPU overheats and she explodes after every commercial. This has made People-mart a ton of money.

By the way, the subsidiary of People-mart is Critter-mart and they have created such spokescritters as the Taco Bell dog and the Geico gecko.

Don’t you believe it!

Nobody likes their job, because it’s a job. Maybe they tolerated it or they work high or drunk, but if you see that level of happiness look out, it most likely is a pod person or a People-mart spokesperson.

Now I would tell you about Politician-mart, but they are watching me too.

About J.A. Laraque