J.A.’s : Things we do because we are suppose to but rather not – II

They say having children is necessary to keep the species going. The problem is that the dumber and uglier people are the more likely they are to have kids and lots of them. It’s like the difference between a world class breeder and grabbing a kitten from behind the dumpster in the alleyway.

As you might have guessed I don’t like kids. I am upset at myself for having been one, but what can you do. I have no problem with other peoples kids as long as they follow the same rule I have for religion, don’t force it on me.

However, sooner or later someone is going to plunk out a kid and will have a strange need to show if off to people who really could care less. Here again we run into one of those social duties that we have to perform. Not only do we have to pretend we are happy for the couple and their spore, but we have to bring them gifts to celebrate it.

The worst is when the baby is butt ugly. Have you ever seen a real ugly baby? I’m talking about one that would make the half human, half alien baby from the sci-fi miniseries V go, “Damn that’s an ugly baby!”

Believe me I understand that love in blind and a parents love for their child is blind, deaf and mute, but there are limits. As I grow older I find that I have less and less tact and so when I saw my last ugly baby I just told the parents the truth when they asked; “Isn’t he beautiful?” My response was; “No.”

There was a moment of shock because they already expected the “yes” from me and had a follow up, but when they heard “no” it turned ugly (pun intended). Fans of Obscure Internet this child looked like Mike Tyson and Grace Jones had a love child and then they accidentally left it in the drier with a bag of golf balls for half an hour. The child was so ugly I spit up. It was like that episode of Seinfeld; the child was defiantly not breathtaking.

They called me rude and asked me to leave which accomplished my goal of freeing my eyes of the horror. Of course everyone else said the child was the cutest they have ever seen so the parents felt vindicated. My only hope is that the child will shed its skin by puberty so it won’t be chased by villagers when it goes outside.

Maybe you should be nicer than I and just go with the flow, but there are many truths in this world that must be told and one of them was that, that baby was damn ugly. So my advice is when you are confronted with a ugly baby you do what your girlfriend does when you sleep with her, close your eyes and pretend it’s someone else.

About J.A. Laraque