BrokenNews : Northern Rock, Like, Totally Going To Pay Back That 23 Billion, Dudes

• Troubled bank calls for time to "get shit together".
• But pledges "we're totally good for it".

For Bi...Carrington Huxx in Hock.

Northern Rock, the troubled bank facing possible collapse as the so-called ‘credit crunch' takes hold, is, like, totally going to pay back the £23 billion worth of taxpayers' money it has been lent by the Bank of England, dudes - just as soon as it gets it's shit together. 

"Honestly, dudes and dudettes, there's nothing to worry about ‘kay?" suspected Northern Rock spokesman Blaine Tokersson told reporters outside the company's headquarters in Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

"We're, like, totally going to pay all that taxpayers' money back. Every penny, man. Trust me. You know we're good for it. It's just that right now things are a little...wheey. But I'm telling you, we just need a little time to get some shit together and it'll be all gravy, dudes, gravy!"

However, despite Tokersson's optimistic assessment of the situation, a recent investigation by The Guardian has uncovered a £53 billion hole in Northern Rock's assets. This is down to 70 per cent of the company's mortgage portfolio actually being owned by Granite Master Issuer, a separate, off-shore company based in Jersey.

As a result, the number of assets available to Northern Rock as collateral is greatly reduced, raising fears that the £23 billion lent to it by the Bank of England may not be safeguarded.

Earlier this week, the Chancellor, Alaistair Darling attempted to reassure taxpayers, saying: "Bank of England lending is secured against assets held by Northern Rock."

But if these ‘assets' are actually owned by the off-shore company, then the Bank of England would have to compete with other creditors for repayment should Northern Rock collapse.

Furthermore, according to The Guardian's findings, Northern Rock is becoming increasingly vulnerable as the housing market slows and the bank is already experiencing sharp rises in repossessions and the number of customers in arrears.

According to figures published by the newspaper, 10,000 Northern Rock customers are currently behind on their mortgage payments, with loans totalling £1.2 billion. In 2003, the number of customers in arrears was 2,500.

In the same year, Northern Rock repossessed just 80 properties but by September this year, that figure was already 927. In more bad news, the property market is cooling significantly and new mortgages have hit a record low.

"Bummer," Tokersson muttered to reporters. "Hey, don't worry about that stuff, baby. It's all cool in the gang. It's only 70 per cent of the mortgage portfolio that's secured with the off-shore company - we got plenty of other assets, sure we have. Like...like...well...look, we got assets up the wazoo, ‘kay?

"Anyway, trust me, man. It's all covered - there's a guy who's interested in buying the place and as soon as that goes through, you're all paid! Well, you know, almost...still, £11 billion smackers, baby!"

The ‘guy' Tokersson is believed to be referring to is Richard Branson, whose consortium has been nominated as Northern Rock's ‘preferred bidder' for a take over. Under Branson's plan, £11 billion would be repaid to the Bank of England on the first day of his ownership, with the rest to be paid back over two to three years - when the total lent to Northern Rock will have risen to an estimated £26 billion.

However, a number of major shareholders, as well as creditors, are expected to oppose the deal because they will not receive market value for their holdings - and some have accused Branson is trying to buy the bank ‘on the cheap'.

Tokersson was quick to condemn these reports as a "total drag" that were "really stating to bum me out".

"And hey, what's with the breadhead attitude anyway, people?" he asked the press, becoming increasingly aggitated.

"The taxpayers of this country should stop getting so hung up about this - look at us, we're the first bank to endure a run in, like, a million years and our credit ratings are shot, we've got a huge hole in our assets and now the Bank of England and the Treasury are on our backs - but are we worried? No way, pedro. I mean, you know, something will turn up.

"And after all, this £23 billion - it's only money. Is it really worth the public and North Rock falling out over money? Come on, dudes. Right?

"And anyway, there's no worries anyway. Honestly. We've said we'll pay it back and we will but quit crowding us, dudes. You're being like, totally uncool about this."

Bi

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