Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

Are ‘eyebeams’ analogue waves or are they digital (made up for the sake of quantum fruitcakes) particals?
hansisland

Eyebeams are unique, they are neither analogue or digital, they are combination of the 2, they are danalogital, although they are made of 1’s and 0’s there are an infinite amount of the little fuckers. Oh yes.

Why would a fish try so hard to get underneath a filter that it’d get stuck under rubble and die?
Crag2804

Without examining your fish tank I cannot really say for certain however my educated guess would be that basically, they hate themselves, yes even fish have a subconnoman, unfortunately for them however, they only have a very limited capacity to stop the whims of their demon sides, this is why suicide is the biggest killer of fish. Bar none.

Who would win in a fight to the death? A Chimp with a knife, or a or an ape with a mace?
Mick

Another chance to use my patented “Thunderdomeatron” programme, however both the ape and the chimp refused to fight in my simulation, so I decided to run it for real, but again the monkey’s and apes refused to fight, it not until I raised the temperature of the floor to the melting point of iron did I get some action, you see was at this point both the ape and the monkey burst into flames and died within minutes, a disappointing stalemate. but fear not, a result was reached, the ape tasted a lot better than the monkey at the post experiment party and was hailed the winner by default.

Why are beans so high in fibre?
hansisland

The question is not why are beans so full of fibre but why are fibre optics so full of beans, this is because beans are quite simply the best method of transferring optical information known in the universe, and this because they are basically made up of 99.99% fibre. The reason the beans are full of fibre is different question entirely.

I’d hit it. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.