Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Moaning about her job again
Why haven’t I got a job yet?

The job situation is a puzzler, an obviously bright women such as yourself should have no trouble getting a job, perhaps sub-consciously you hate yourself? There are several techniques you can employ to out fox your subconowoman, for example if you are going to a job interview you really want, convince yourself that it will be the worst job in the world and you would hate it, Subconowoman would instantly turn on all the correct taps in your head to ensure that you would land your job.

Phyisologistical people call this reverse science.

Dog pee
Why will my dog not pee in the garden when it’s raining, it’s not like it’s going to spoil his hair or anything..?!?!?!

I have conducted an experiment involving over 200 dogs and everyone has had no problem urinating in the rain, this leaves me to the inevitable conclusion that your dog is broken, the cost of fixing a dog is immense so I suggest immediate termination and buy a new one, I would give you one of my test dogs but unfortunately due to international science law every dog I tested had to be thrown into a furnace.

Sleepy Time
Why does it feel so good to wake up two hours before your alarm in the morning and go back to sleep? Why don’t I feel tired at all at 5:00am but after two extra hours sleep I’m knackerd and why does it feel so good to wake up 3 hours early and realise you have another 3 hours in bed and it still feels good when you wake up every 10 mins afterwards, counting down the hours/minutes you have left, only to wake up utterly knackered when you do actually HAVE to get up???

Ah the old “When I wake up early I do not feel tired at all but after another 2 hours sleep I feel knackered” chestnut.

No matter how many times you wake up during the night there will only be one “Get out of bed and not go back to sleep wake up time” this is known in sleepscience terms as the GOOBANSAW theory, milliseconds before GOOBINSAW your body will allocate 98.9% of the energy it created/stored during the night to vital area’s of your body such as your makifus-breathicus muscle.

There is no way to fool this mechanism, and even if there was you would not want to, many doctors believe that most coma victims are in that state because they have damaged their GOOBANSAW lobe.

Dice man
When I roll a dice (I know it’s the wrong word), is it simply a random chance of each number giving me the one it eventually lands on or is there more to it?

I used to think it was random, indeed I used the method to determine which of my 6 monkeys would be used to test the strength of steel verses monkey bone, however after reading your question I decided to test it out.

After one million throws and meticulous recording of the data I have the answer, read the data if you dare, it literally speaks for itself.

512,851 Heads
488,148 Tails
1 Edge

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