Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

One touch attraction
What will i do with all my old VHS tapes?

Well, I personally would strip the tape from the cassettes and then wrap myself up in it. VHS tape has long been known to attract women.

Strange luck
This morning was strange and I’m not sure if I should consider myself lucky or unlucky. I woke at 8:00 am, an hour later than I should have done and definitely missing the 7:49 train I normally catch. After changing the cat litter and feeding them I ran to the train station to find that the train I should have caught didn’t turn up at all. I got the 8:20 train and made my way into work. On the one hand I got up late, had to skip breakfast and hurt my knee running for the train. This is obviously unlucky. To counter this though I got an extra hour in bed and by missing the train that never turned up I avoided standing about in the cold for 35 minutes.

So how did fortune shine on me today? Was I lucky or unlucky?

I strongly believe that your sub-concious is setting you up for a HUGE fall, its making you think that you may be lucky. Your not, no-one is, luck is tool that your sub-concious uses to make you temporatly happy in order to make your eventual fall from grace to be all the more worse. Be ever on your guard against the devil inside.

Christmas Shopping
Why is that the week before christmas the supermarket is extremely busy and people stop and gossip in the middle of the aisle refusing to let you pass, they also seem to manage to do this right in front of something I need. It really touches my last nerve!!

I can only agree, there is no scientific reason why this happens, I ran several computer simulations and each one ended in a fat old women standing in front of the Gin.
As ever I have a solution. When I added a small callibre pistol to the simulation I found the shopping experiance was virtually stress free and quick.

Here is ALL todays news
How come there is just enough news everyday to fill a newspaper?

The little known news quota is agreed by the United Nations every 4 years. Basically they determine how many different things can happen every day, if any more news than the agreed quota happens then the Multi-National news enforcers swoop in and stop it happening sometimes with tragic results. For example when Princess Dianna was about to reveal she was pregnant with Dodi Fayed child the quota was already far exceeded for that 24 hour period so the French arm of the News Enfourcers swooped in on there moped’s. The rest is History.

Punchy Relationship
How do i get Girls to like me, but not have a relationship with me?

Well I suppose you could just chat to them, buy them a drink, find out what they like and discuss there favourite films etc. Then when the moment comes that you would normally engage in a relationship simply punch them in the face and move onto to the next poor trollop.

Yabba Dabba Do. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.  

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