I’m not here to type this. You’re not there to read it. Nothing exists anymore. Literally nothing.

The Large Hadron Collider was fired up earlier this week. This wasn’t really that big a deal, but some barmy Americans decided that it was going to end the world. They took the owners and scientists responsible for the LHC to court, accusing them of growing black holes. Now, this was a bandwagon to jump on, apocalypse soon. Even the BBC went to have a look.

But hang on! We’re still here! Feel stupid now? Well, yeah.

Sadly for our pessimistic friends, the earth wasn’t shattered in billions of wonky particles. All that happened in fact, was that some men in white coats sent some really small things round a big thing looking for some things so small they might or might not even exist. Still with me? They’re looking for the Higgs-Boson, which is theoretically the missing particle that explains the universe. I think I used to play a Higgs-Boson in the school band.

Professor Stephen Hawking, physics genius and all round top skateboarder told us that all would be well. “These reactions,” he said Dalek-ly “take place all the time in the atmosphere. There is no need for concern.”

Well, thanks Stevie, me old wheelie-bin, but when a robotic voice tells the earth there’s nothing to fear, we should really start to panic.

Give it a couple of weeks, and it’ll all be forgotten about. Higgs-Bosons will be found in all modern homes. Hawking will be carried shoulder high (chair allowing) and hailed as a hero. Thing is, in a few weeks time they actually are going to make a black hole, or try to anyway. So, er, enjoy it while it lasts, eh?